Just my imagination: it does not exist

He never talks..he seldom smiles…I wonder if he’s real

* this was written out of boredom not because I’m bitter or something

I never believe in fairy tales
I don’t even see the beauty of it.
Happy endings, they don’t work for me
It is just part of someone else’s fantasy.

All I knew was,
My story has always been sad.
Never in my life did I experience the bliss of falling in love
Tragedy and twist of fate were all I had.

Too many horses had have passed me by
Not a single one stopped to stay
When the moment I thought I’m finally not alone
And find the right one
My destiny seemed to turn the other way.

Now here I am again
Back on my favorite place
Wishing that someday
I’ll get to leave this waste
But I know this someday is not too soon to come
Just like when the moon meets the sun

Singing my heart to release the pain
The pain for waiting and believing
I promised to be stoned hearted
Even if the right pair of shoes are sighted

Coz I’ve been not believing magic
Since my story has always been tragic

I don’t know what to add or say, I can’t even end this little essay
So I guess this is how it will be
Unfinished ending that will never go down in history

I eat Manga!

1. The stories are very light…not complicated and very interesting
2. The characters are unbelievably handsome and beautiful (not to mention smart, talented and tall)
3. The lines are funny…but with hidden meanings

I’ve been an avid anime fan since I was 5 or younger. I always love day-dreaming about my favorite characters. I cry whenever I missed an episode or for some instances there have been no electricity or I got a lot of things to do. Until now, I am still drawn to various stuffs Japan introduced to my country. I started reading Manga, Mahnwa and comics. I can’t stop from wondering what’s next after I finish one story. I’ve been addicted. I’ve been hooked…and I’m proud of it. Over a month, I managed to read almost 10 Manga and watch over 3 anime series. I often spend my time in my room talking to myself and laughing…with my laptop and downloaded stuffs, my addiction is on the next level.

Why read/watch? They say it is a waste of time but I say it actually gives me quality moments with myself. I get to know my personality better and get to improve some of my stupid behaviors.

A confession

I was staying in my Aunt’s house last tuesday when my niece (8 years old) came and offered me a magazine. It was a Total Girl special issue on embarrassing stories of children and teenagers across the globe. Most of the girls wrote about how they act stupid whenever their crushes are around. In the back of my head, I was wondering about my own silly performance in front of the guys I like.

As I was browsing through the pages, I saw Kelly Clarkson’s confession…here it goes: “Like every other girl in the world, my most embarrassing moment had to do with a guy completely turning me down.”

A smile painted on my face after repeatedly reading Kelly’s statement. What this post of mine is all about? Well, it is about a girl, standing side by side of boy asking him to be her promdate.

Note: it took me a year to think about how would I do such an embarrassing thing…I saved up all my courage and spent it all in a 30-seconder conversation with my four-year crush.

Let us just call him Orange (He’s not like the Annoying Orange in YOUTUBE, he just wears orange shirt most of the time.

Orange and I were former dorm mates back when we’re still freshmen. He is so timid and having a blank reaction is his identifier.

He looks so fragile yet very mysterious. Seldom you’ll see him with a girl but you can see him alone most of the time. He was just a typical teenager with extraordinary fair skin. But it was his eyes that I liked the most.

I never had a chance to be his classmate in any of my general courses. So I’m just like a mere stalker of him…always watching him from a far and hoping that one day, I’ll be able to be with him, not in a romantic way (as a friend of course).

So for almost four years, I’ve waited and planned on how I can actually talk to him or even just go near him…even if it is just a foot or two. When I reached my senior year, that’s when I’ve decided to come and get him as my promdate. Spending this event with him would be epic…but in my quest for a perfect date, it was indeed epic; EPIC FAILED!

Why? I asked his friend, also a good friend of mine to serve as a catalyst. However, it didn’t turn out just like in movies.

I was on my way to my class when I saw Orange, and I thought that was an opening. A chance! I said to myself while my feet were shaking and my hands were ready to cover my face just in case I’ll be embarrassed.
As both of us were heading to the same direction, I utter the words I’ve been practicing for three years.

*Conversation
Me: Umm Orange did he tell you about prom?
Orange: Yes, he did.
Me: Is it okay with you?
Orange: Ummm..I don’t know…because..I don’t know…Ummm
Me: It is all right with me. don’t worry.
Orange: Umm..because..Umm I don’t know
Me: I said it is all right if you don’t want too. Thanks by the way (Forced smile)
Orange: Okay

See, that was my dream come true conversation as in one on one conversation with my longtime crush. as you can see, he only knew few phrases and he spoke them repeatedly. At first I was like, “WTF? How could you not say it directly. Just say NO and it will be a good answer. Something I’ve been expecting” But after I went to the restroom with my teary-eyes, I realized, he did that in order to protect me from being hurt. If I were in his case too I’ll probably think of a less hurting way of turning down someone. Especially if that someone is just a person whom I seldom see but never spoke to.

Lesson learned. Never assume that no matter how prepared you are to do something, the outcome is still unpredictable. In reality, every action taken bears a lot of consequences. It is unlike in movies that you always get what you wanted. It is unlike in movies that your crush will say Yes in an instant. It is unlike in movies that you’ll get to experience happiness easily.

Life, unlike in movies is a little bit complicated when you think so…but its simplicity lies on the one who’s running it:)

When everybody is falling

I can’t help it. I’m really amazed because most of my friends did make it before finally graduating. When I thought love only exists in movies, well, my tomodachi are here to prove that it actually does exist in reality. So before their college years are over they have found themselves their special someone.

I am still looking forward to put my picture together with that someone in my empty picture frame:)It may not be now, but I know sooner or later I will also fall…

One of the Boys: A Gift or A Curse?

Growing up with a bunch of boy friends around you means being one of them. They treat you just like the same…no special treatments except during rainy seasons since they’ll offer you their coats or jackets.

I’ve always been acting like one of the tough guys since I was a kid and I did not know how to breakaway since I’ve been comfortable with the clothes I wear, toys I play and music I listen to.

I don’t have brothers…biologically speaking…but I got tons of them (just disregard the blood thing) Often times, I’m being misunderstood for a lesbian or a bisexual because of my behavior which I guess, will be permanent.

But what I like being boyish is that:

• you get free body guards anywhere you go—-of course they won’t let anyone harm you. Your enemy is their enemy too regardless if you’re right or wrong…you’ll always have a bunch of back-ups.
• you get free drinks whenever you’re in a bar or just an ordinary store—it has always been a male instinct to impress everyone by giving out freebies.lol.
• you’ll be assured to have jackets/coat during rainy days or while watching movies inside the malls–when it is cold, it is their duty to make you feel warm…I mean, make you comfortable despite the weather or setting…hahaha.(it is not what you think)

the best part of being one of the tough guys is….especially when you like someone:

• you can hug them for free or kiss them on the cheeks sometimes…with no malice…maybe just for them..lol
• you can have them beside you anytime except if they have some dates
• they share some secrets and trust your every word
• call you when they needed advice and ask you out for an ice (T-ice, ice cream..whatever)
• you get gifts during your birthday and even during ordinary days

the hard part of being one with the buds:

• you get sucker punch all the time…since they thought you can’t feel pain (physically) like them
• you can’t wear girly clothes without them laughing at you and saying..you’re so gay!
• you can’t complain when they bring their girlfriends around you and introduced them as if you like them too.
• you can’t refuse drinking sessions
• you can’t get away from their pranks…like having you dance with other girls..I mean slowdance..as if you got what they got…hmpf!
• when they caught you listening to katy perry’s song you’ll be the center of all the jokes…

The hardest part…

when it comes to:

• jokes…most of the time, they could not determine which is a joke from not…
• feelings….never fall for any of them…they won’t notice it..unless he feels the same way too…but never expect he will look at you the way you want him to.

You can always be with them..but falling in love will be your biggest downfall..you’re lucky if they love you too but if not…friendship is better than having nothing to hold on to…

But in my case, I’m happy being one of them…for now… who knows, in the future, I might regret it too…

Culture Jamming

Culture Jamming

Identity Crisis

The youth, as they say are great imitators and are often victimized by what they see on TV, heard from the radio, and read on magazines. They get their sense of identity to what the dominant culture offers, but somehow, there are some who find belongings together with the  so-called deviants of the society.

However, looking to the present situation, I can say that more teenagers are losing their real identity because of the commercialization of these subcultures.

Subcultures, as we all know are formed out of deviating from the mainstream or from the dominant culture. These are formed by people with the same ideologies which are reflected through their appearance, communication style, and beliefs.  With the media, each distinction served as mere branding and for merchandize now.

In a study conducted by Joseph Klapper, he explained that media serve as mediating factors that could either produce direct effects or as a contributory agent. According to him, mass media only reinforce existing behavioral predispositions.

In the case of Filipino teenagers, one can see them walking on the street per group, wearing the same clothing and carrying the same brand of merchandize. This is because Western countries are targeting mass audience through hidden persuaders embedded in every Western movie, cartoon, news analysis, TV program, video tape, compact disc, advertisement and product. Filipinos who easily give in to the bait are easily influenced especially on how they think and feel about themselves and the society.

The youth, according to Heaven and Turbidy are the part of the community who are most receptive, or, alternatively, susceptible to, foreign cultural practices. Frequently, youth is associated to rebelliousness. They are the part of society that are most likely to engage in a process of cultural borrowing that is disruptive of the reproduction of traditional cultural practices, from modes of dress to language, aesthetics and ideologies.

This borrowing of identities among teenagers often leads to different problems associated with this age group. Some of the youth actually do not know when and how did their particular subculture came to life. All they know is how they are supposed to look like one they have chosen a group to conform with.

Ever seen a 16 –year old boy wearing a statement shirt, let us say it has “Black Sabbath” printed on it and ask him what does it mean, and he will be saying nothing. Also, everyone they see wearing dreadlocks hair is already called Rasta. Do they even know how it is to belong to be called Rastafarian?

The teenagers’ idea of subculture and identity is limited on what the media projected. Often times, it is of negative connotations, but they do not bother to argue or question since it seemed to them that the culture is cool.

The ideologies and practices that should be the standard basis for belonging to a certain subculture are over powered by the trendy clothes and catchy songs. Slowly, subcultures become part of the mainstream because of globalization and commercialism.

To support my claim that media have great effects on teenagers, InterMedia, a nonprofit company that conducts global research and evaluation, and specializes in the field of media and communications, conducted a study about analysis of trends among young people and media in Central and Eastern Europe, the Commonwealth of Independent States and the Baltic States.

As might be expected, young people most often seek entertainment from all the media they follow. They tune in to television for films, music shows, game shows, soap operas and series, sports events, fashion/lifestyle programs, etc. They tune in to radio to listen to their favorite types of music. They use computers and the Internet primarily to use e-mail and chat with their friends, to download software and music, and to play games. Their main interests in newspapers and magazines centre on celebrities, rock groups, sports, fashion, horoscopes and crosswords (InterMedia.com)

This study shows that the teenagers’ behaviors are greatly affected by the media. Nevertheless, their sense of identity is dependent and undergoes alteration through exposure to different medium. What I am trying to convey is that, teenagers have lowered the value of subcultures and have made a fool of themselves through believing that they are keeping it real well when in fact they are hiding their real selves.

If this kind of thinking continues to exist, the real essence of deviation will be totally gone and will be replaced by profit oriented thoughts by the mainstream; made possible by the media. We, the youth should know what we really want and believe in. We should not let the media control us, make use of their packages to lure us in believing and conforming to a particular group without even knowing a thing about it. We should be  knowledgeable about our own selves before jumping into something for the sake of belonging.